The Underappreciated Power of Appreciation

The enraptured audience went on clapping and cheering for minutes on end. They had loved the powerful music* and wanted to express their admiration to the musicians. I too had enjoyed the concert (viewed on YouTube). But I loved the exuberant atmosphere at the end just as much. Perhaps, more. How often do people come together to express such open, unmixed delight? Genuine appreciation is a beautiful thing.

Whether among family, friends, or work mates, the contrast between feeling appreciated or not can be like day versus night. In a demanding job where I felt valued, I thought nothing of working extra hours. I enjoyed the camaraderie of my job. When that changed and I no longer felt appreciated, I began to hate the work. I had to push myself to engage at all. I was stressed. Perhaps wanting appreciation meant I was too needy. But my hunch is that everyone wants to be appreciated. We thrive on it. It can even be the x-factor that makes life worth living.

It is odd, then, that receiving appreciation can be uncomfortable. Like many, I grew up learning to bat away compliments with a dismissive 'oh, it's nothing'. I noticed I was not alone in this regard. Maybe we doubt our own worth. Or fear being beholden to someone.

And, what of expressing appreciation? This can feel awkward, as we open up emotionally to another person. It may feel like a risk; that it's easier to say nothing. But that is a loss for both parties. Openly expressing appreciation is a direct route to warmer, happier relationships.

Rejoicing in merit is a Buddhist practice of expressing appreciation. The term comes from Buddhist scriptures and may sound strange in today's parlance. Another way of saying it is to express our own happiness in another person's goodness. Genuine appreciation is not smarmy or sycophantic. Rather, it is about seeing someone's good qualities and saying so. Rejoicing in another's good deeds makes others happy. It is reputed to free us from jealousy and pride.

We express appreciation naturally many times a day: when someone holds a door for us or offers a drink. But we can also take people for granted, especially those closest to us. To practice appreciation is a way to recognise when we could do more to connect with others. It is also a way to develop awareness in our lives.

When I first encountered the practice, I noticed how awkward I sometimes felt about offering appreciation. But I grew to see the value of making the practice a part of my life and persisted. I have come to see expressing appreciation out loud as a vital ingredient to a happy life. For me, and for the people around me.

Gratitude is the mental state that sits behind appreciation. It is fundamental to all the good qualities we may wish for ourselves. Gratitude arises when we are able to see the world we are part of. It is about noticing and remembering all the help we have received.

Last week, I developed appendicitis and spent 48 hours in hospital. Many people looked after me: porters, caterers, administrators, nurses, surgeons and many more. I received so much care. As I moved through A&E into the surgical ward and theatre, I saw staff coping with challenges that would defeat many of us. The A&E staff steadily tended to the occupants of a packed waiting room. Meanwhile, a drunk man wondered in and out, harassing the receptionists. As a patient, you had to be patient! That could be challenging all round. On the ward, a staff nurse juggled the varied needs of her patients, pre- and post-operations. Tempers sometimes became frayed. The more I witnessed, the more I saw how difficult this work is. On both the professional and the human level. I'm happy that my first words as I emerged from the general anesthetic were, "The NHS is amazing!". The anesthetist and a nearby porter looked bemused! I may have been drug-addled, but I hope they understood that I meant it. I meant them.

And as I left the surgical ward, I told the staff nurse, "You're doing an amazing job". After, I wished I had been more specific. I could have mentioned how her sunny, extroverted personality helped create a positive atmosphere: what a difference that made. How I was touched by her concern when a directive came through to discharge me, before she thought I was ready. (They needed the bed! And in all honesty, I was happy to be going home.) A compliment that is personal and specific means more to the recipient. It shows that their individual qualities are seen.

Appreciation is not only for other people. Rejoicing in one's own good qualities builds confidence and prevents discouragement. It need not be egotism.

On a recent self-compassion course, I had the opportunity to reflect on my own good qualities. A hint of that old awkwardness lingered, but I came up with a few things. I was then asked to consider how others had nurtured these qualities. My parents, teachers, friends and others who have helped me on my way. The more I reflected, the wider the net of positive influences seemed to grow. I thought about the food I eat and all the people, farmers, plants, and animals that provide for me. I thought of the technology in my life; the inventors, the makers. The culture; the artists and crafters, the books and the movies, the ideas. The whole web of life of which I am an infinitesimal part. And all the conditions that have led to me being able to express appreciation. In that moment I understood that my being was the product of a vast, unimaginable network of causes and conditions. There was a deep, satisfying sense of rightness in recognising this truth.

Valuing ourselves and each other isn't just a nice thing to do. It points to something real. David Steindl-Rast, author and Benedictine monk, has said:

"gratitude is how wisdom feels"

Wisdom is the opposite of egotism. If wisdom arises when the self is less prominent in mind, then gratitude is the feeling of being free of self-concern. Research shows that gratitude enhances contentment and resilience. It strengthens our bonds with others. And appreciation is its expression.

Is there someone you would like to thank? To express appreciation for their particular qualities? After, notice how you feel. How the relationship feels. What impact might it have, to make rejoicing in merit a habit?

*Schostakowitsch 5th Symphony / Frankfurt Radio Symphony Orchestra

Photo by Markus Spiske from Freerange Stock