Compassion Fatigue is a Misnomer: it's real, but it's misnamed

The most intimate relationship we will ever have is with ourselves. How do we respond when facing our own suffering? Do we throw ourselves into the waters of our own pain? Piling on layers of suffering through harsh self-criticism? Or do we offer ourselves care and support, as we would for a dear friend or loved one?

Exposure to suffering is never easy. Whether it is the distress of a child or unfair treatment to oneself or a loved one, suffering hurts. When we witness suffering in others, it is natural to also feel pain in ourselves: this is empathy. Because we know suffering, we can identify with how bad it feels for others to be in pain.

Regular exposure to suffering through caring for others can be depleting. This is 'empathic distress'. It may lead to a state of overwhelm: a kind of horrified anxiety. Imagine you see someone drowning. But instead of keeping yourself safe so you can help, you throw yourself into the water. You both drown! This overwhelm can lead to emotional shutdown, exhaustion and burnout. We no longer have the resources to care. This state is often referred to as 'compassion fatigue'. But that's a misnomer. Compassion is never draining. We need to understand the difference between empathy and compassion.

Research shows that neurons firing in the brain mirror the suffering (and joy) we see in others. The areas of the brain associated with pain are activated, as if we ourselves are suffering. This is empathy. But compassion awakens different parts of the brain. These are areas associated with nurturing, pleasure and social bonding. Compassion includes empathy but it goes further. It also expresses kinship and love. It is a state in which we do care. Take a moment to recall how you feel when you genuinely care about someone. It comes with a powerful sense of connection. We are energised and motivated to help if we can. Compassion bears witness to pain. Yet it is a wholly positive emotion. If we fear that compassion will be exhausting, we may be missing out. Far from being depleting, it is heart-opening and deeply nourishing for the experiencer.     

All major religions extol the virtues of being compassionate. This suggests an essential and important quality. There is also a growing body of research* showing its benefits, and it is a learnable skill. Yet, cultivating compassion can feel like a tall order. Where do we begin?

I would suggest that, like charity, compassion begins at home. This is self-compassion. The most intimate relationship we will ever have is with ourselves. How do we respond in the face of our own suffering? Do we throw ourselves into the waters of our own pain? Piling on layers of anguish through harsh self-criticism? Or do we offer ourselves care and support, as we would for a dear friend or loved one?

The Mindful Self-Compassion Course** teaches compassion, especially for ourselves. Author and researcher Kristin Neff and psychologist Chris Germer are its creators. This evidence-based course imparts understanding of compassion for oneself within a safe environment. One definition of compassion used in the course is loving, connected presence. Let's take a look at these qualities, in reverse order. 

Presence

There is a state of mind where we can relax into noticing what is happening in each moment. We let go of anxiety for the future and regret about the past. This is presence, which is about being aware. We are able to see our own pain, physical or emotional, for what it is. We can be open to hurt feelings without feeling a need to push them away. We may notice pain in the body, or the uncomfortable nature of resentful thoughts. Self-compassion training teaches us to meet such distress with greater tolerance. We learn to notice how difficulties arise, but then pass away. This allows us to be less identified with our moment-by-moment experiences. Problems feel less personal. We become aware of pain in a way that opens the possibility of responding with greater kindness.

Connected

Mindful presence supports a greater depth of connection with one’s own experience. We are more aware when we are happy, sad or neither.

Sensing our common humanity brings us into connection with others. We understand that everyone suffers. Whether you are young or old, rich or poor, healthy or sick, life always brings difficulties. This is the human condition. We are not alone in struggling - even though we often think we are. Seeing that suffering is universal eases our sense of separation. Openly sharing vulnerability and pain can enhance our sense of belonging. Seeing what we share with others, we feel less alone.

Loving

We are capable of responding to suffering with love and kindness, to ourselves as well as others. There is something powerful here. It may be easy to see how compassion for others is desirable. Yet it may be harder to see that when it comes to ourselves. Many of us are self-critical, sometimes harshly so. We may believe that our inner critic keeps us on our toes, motivating ourselves to do better. Yet inner harshness can be a destructive expression of low mood. When our self-worth is challenged, it can make us feel worse, reinforcing a belief that we are not good enough. Present-moment awareness combined with deliberate kindness helps us see through such thoughts.

Self-compassion also 'wants' us to be our best self. Picture a kind, preceptive coach who believes in their students. Who motivates them with positive encouragement. Meanwhile, another coach with equivalent skills chooses to insult, bully and focus on failings. Who would you choose?

Research* shows that self-compassion supports better mental and physical health and healthier habits. We learn to look after ourselves better. A student on one of my compassion courses expressed a concern in the first session. She felt that she was already too compassionate and that her family took advantage of that. She feared a further loss of boundaries: becoming a doormat. At the end of the course, she reported that she had become clearer about her own needs. Through cultivating self-compassion, she had established healthier boundaries. Her children and partner had noticed! Though a little disconcerted, they acknowledged this to be positive.

Training in self-compassion has made me better able to recognise and speak up for my own needs. After all, I am the only one who can take responsibility for my own well-being. Practicing self-compassion helps me take better care of myself. In turn, that supports me to reach out to others with concern and generosity.

Mindful Self-Compassion course**

I hope that this article gives a glimpse into the riches of self-compassion practice. Perhaps you can see the potential benefits of cultivating this beautiful quality. If this is the case, I wholeheartedly recommend the Mindful Self-Compassion course. I have benefitted in my own life through this life-changing training. I am less judgmental of myself, and my inner world is a happier, kinder place. I’m committed to bringing more of this heart-opening quality into my life. And it is a pleasure to see others doing likewise.

*Research summary

**Upcoming course, September 2026