Judging Myself Never Worked

I tended to swerve personal questions, fearing that others would

judge me as an oddball. In fact, I suspected they already did.

In truth, I was judging myself as an oddball.

My teaching colleague looked bemused when we bumped into her at a local beauty spot. We were an unlikely trio. I lived in a small Buddhist community with two very different house-mates. Jan wore a formal raincoat, sensible lace-up shoes. The headscarf tied under her chin was reminiscent of Queen Elizabeth II. Fay sported knee-length dreadlocks woven with coloured threads. Her rainbow skirts trailed in the grass. (1) I felt awkward. I was a newly qualified teacher in our school and did not feel that I fitted in. I felt different. I didn’t live with a partner, as most people seemed to. I went on retreats rather than on holidays and didn’t own a TV. I tended to swerve personal questions, fearing that others would judge me as an oddball. In fact, I suspected they already did. In truth, I was judging myself as an oddball. Back then, I had a habit of self-judgement. I carried an underlying sense that there was something wrong with me.

I am so happy that I have learned, over the years, to treat myself with greater appreciation and respect. Over a decade in that job, I became more confident in my life choices. I began to see that people are different in all kinds of ways. Later, my colleague shared that she was intrigued by our diverse little community. She found it encouraging that people who were so different could share a home and get along!

I had begun to understand that how I saw myself affected how others saw me. People pick up on insecurity - and on confidence. The more I embraced and valued myself as an individual, the less I judged myself. And the less I felt judged by others. I can never know what went on in my colleagues’ minds. But I believe that, in part, they took their cue from how I related to myself.

Kindness and compassion are the opposite of harsh judgment. They are essential qualities in a mindful life. These qualities are often seen as something we give to others. But what if we can give ourselves some of that compassion and care? In fact, self-compassion – being kinder and less harsh towards ourselves - is a learnable skill.

Sometimes people worry that self-compassion is self-indulgent, or plain selfish. We may believe that being hard on ourselves helps motivate us to do our best. Yet, research (2) shows that not only does self-compassion benefit our own mental and physical health. It also improves our relationships with others. People with greater self-compassion are also better learners, being less worried about making mistakes.

Self-compassion is different to self-worth. Self-worth tends to be based on how we judge our own achievements and qualities. This invites comparison with others. Self-compassion is simply kindness to oneself in the face of the inevitable difficulties of life.

Here are three ways to bring compassion to ourselves that we can all use:

·         Through touch: communicate kindness and care towards ourselves through soothing, supportive touch. It’s the same quality of touch that we use when we reach out to comfort and show affection towards a loved one. We can place a hand on our heart, sending kindness through our fingers. Or a gentle self-hug, giving our arms a friendly squeeze.

·         Through language: we can inwardly use words to wish ourselves well. Classic phrases are: “May I be well…may I be happy…at ease…peaceful…free”. Use a friendly, gentle tone.

·         Through memory: take a few minutes to recall a time when we felt happy and loved. Notice what emotions the memories evoke and how you feel in your body.

We can also use our imagination. This is a creative faculty we can strengthen through practice. Let’s explore this further.

I teach two compassion-focused courses (3). Both include a practice in which one imagines a compassionate companion or friend. This could be any wise figure who for us embodies unconditional kindness. We imagine being in their presence. We sense how they understand and care about us. It might be a real person, arising from a warm memory of a loving grandparent, a caring friend, or a kind teacher. It could be a public figure we've never met, but in whom we recognise these qualities. Even, a fictional character like Gandalf. It may be a figure purely from our imagination: an imagined grandma; a guardian angel or spiritual guide. It may even be a loyal animal companion, committed to protecting us from harm. We're invited to open ourselves to receive their unconditional love and wisdom.

This might sound wonderful. The practice can be a beautiful and nourishing experience. Yet it can also be challenging. I have not always found it easy to imagine being unconditionally loved. Sometimes, fears surface. "What if I am just not lovable?". Recognising fear or shame is uncomfortable, but valuable. In the light of awareness, over time, these barriers weaken. It is worth persisting. As with other meditations, repetition bears fruit.

Imagination is an interesting thing. The compassionate companion appears as a separate entity, outside of oneself. They seem to have qualities beyond those we recognise in ourselves. Yet, that figure comes from one's own imagination or memory. This means that these qualities must exist within oneself, at least in germinal form. We must already be familiar with these traits. There is a further practice: to imagine embodying these wonderful qualities within oneself. The only limits on the imagination are ones we place on ourselves.

Through the decade of my first teaching job, I learned to have greater positive regard for myself. I worried less about fitting in. This was a great relief within myself. And I am pretty sure it encouraged others to see me in a more positive light. Being less judgmental to myself, I notice that I am less judgmental to others. Learning to value myself for who I am has made me happier, kinder and more connected. 

(1)   Not their real names

(2)   https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion

(3)   Mindfulness Based Compassionate Living / Mindful Self Compassion