When Am I Really In Control: from powerlessness to choice.

My anger was hurting me and someone I care about, while having zero impact on the issues of concern. And it was a long way from a practice I aspire to: 

'be the peace you wish to see in the world' Martin Luther King Jr.

As I read the news report, adrenaline surged. I was upset. Angry. A familiar internal rant started up. A repeat of many previous responses to the global news cycle. War. Unaccountable power and greed. Inequality. Corruption. And terrible, horrifying suffering. I can best describe this emotion as 'powerless rage'. I launched into an out-loud rant to my partner.

My anger wasn't fun for him or me. Meanwhile, a glorious spring morning went unnoticed. I noted something I have observed many times before. My anger was hurting me and someone I care about, while having zero impact on the issues of concern. And it was a long way from a practice I aspire to: 'be the peace you wish to see in the world' (Martin Luther King Jr).

An initial flash of anger can have value. It may flag that someone has crossed a boundary; that we need to stand up for ourselves and our values. It may prompt helpful action. But anger about issues entirely beyond our control tends towards impotence and overwhelm. Holding on to anger pumps further stress hormones into our bodies. It's bad for our mental and physical health. It can hurt others. 

The above image shows a model developed by Stephen Covey, in his bestseller 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People'.* The outer circle includes everything we are concerned about but have no control over. It is useful to contemplate just how big that arena is. The inner circle includes anything we can do something about. This, also, is helpful to reflect on. The middle circle represents the sliding scale between the two: what we may be able, at least, to influence. Over-focusing on issues beyond our control can lead to overwhelm, anxiety, and blame. We experience ourselves as powerless victims. In contrast, focusing on areas where we have some control and influence is empowering. It leads to greater efficacy and life satisfaction.

There is so much in the world that I cannot control. I find that accepting this brings relief, as I align with the reality of the situation. This acceptance also prompts me to give attention to what I can control or influence. That starts with my own mental states. I can notice when repeated angry thoughts ramp up my negative emotions. I can be aware of the direction of travel as my mood shifts into anger and blame, or towards a wiser quality of presence. On a good day, I may pause long enough to allow unhelpful reactions to pass. To come to my senses. To reconnect with the beauty of the day.

We know that being upset or angry releases stress hormones into the bloodstream. Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor tells us that this chemical dump lasts about 90 seconds. After that, it flushes out of the body. Unless. Unless we keep the emotion alive through repeated thoughts. Further angry thoughts trigger more upset and more chemicals.

Bolte Taylor is suggesting that everything after those 90 seconds is a choice. That we are free to choose our state of mind. Or at least, to influence it. But we can only do this if we are aware of our emotions and thoughts. Without awareness, the momentum of initial reactions re-ignites over seconds, minutes and hours. Sometimes, days and weeks. Indeed, years. There is a clear value in the old wisdom of 'counting to ten' before responding to something upsetting. But we might need more time. Count to 90?! Or, take a mindful moment.

There are a number of ‘informal’ mindfulness practices intended for such occasions. One of my favourites is the breathing space with kindness. Its three stages can be covered in a minute or two (though if you have more time, so much the better):

1.       Notice your inner world: body sensations; feelings; thoughts.

2.       Focus on the breath, especially any calming or soothing qualities. You may choose to slightly lengthen the outbreath, which has a calming effect.

3.       Offer yourself a kind wish appropriate to the moment. For example: ‘may I be kind / patient / accepting towards myself’. If you wish, you can extend good wishes to others.

Mindfulness is the ability to pause and experience what's there in the moment. This is not always pleasant. But pausing and noticing opens the way to letting go. We may recognise that an angry or anxious mood is not helping. We may perceive a softening of tension in the body, or a lessening of indignant thoughts. These might be very small shifts, yet they change the direction in which our mood is heading. We can't always stop ourselves from having further triggering thoughts. But, bit by bit, mindfulness practice builds the capacity to choose where to focus attention. This is a powerful, transferable skill. It strengthens our resilience in the face of the challenges of life. We are less likely to be blown off course when things get difficult. I have come to trust this process. I see the benefits both in the moment and in the long term.

Angry thoughts and feelings can lead to unwise acts. It is not hard to see the destructive effects of ill-will and hatred playing out on the world stage. We may not have the level of impact of some big political players. But if we are honest with ourselves, we see that we too share the capacity for these states of mind and their damaging effects. The more free we are from ill-will, greed and delusion, the better placed we are to offer a meaningful alternative. Actions based in kindness and compassion also spread their influence. There are times when a kind word from someone can change the whole trajectory of our day. Consider what you can control in this world and the influence you can have. Mindfulness practice brings us a little closer to a calmer, wiser awareness. When we are less driven by knee-jerk reactions, we make better decisions. Which is what I wish for the whole world. 

We cannot make other people do this. Much as we may sometimes wish to! But every one of us influences the world around us, in small, everyday ways. And sometimes, in bigger ways. And there aren't only bad things happening in the world. Through apps, media and classes, mindfulness is becoming a strand of mainstream culture. And culture influences - and is influenced by - everyone within it. For better or worse. A prevailing mood can lead towards violence and war. Or towards genuine listening and cooperation. Even small positive actions ripple outwards. There is truth in the activist saying: if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

*Graphic created by Love Mindfulness