Nineteen 'Pointless' Blows

Something different had replaced that old, harsh script: "stupid idiot!" 

Ten minutes after parking in the new-to-me, cheaper car park, I was no closer to buying my ticket. I'd considered myself organised for downloading the parking app beforehand. But now I was failing, on repeat, to verify my bank card. Cue an urgent call to my partner at home to look up a password. That didn't work either. I was now late for a meeting. I felt like a failure. The many previous times I have struggled with technology hovered in the background.

Five minutes further on I was hurrying into town, still unclear whether I had managed to pay. I was worrying about getting a penalty. My body was now in stress mode: tense and sweaty. A thought occurred, that I had been 'a stupid idiot' not to have sorted the bank details in advance.

Then, something amazing happened. 

A reassuring voice in my mind was speaking to me, like a kind adult comforting an anxious child. "It's okay! You're okay, sweetheart! You're only a few minutes late - they won't mind! You're alright..." This wasn't happening because I'd reminded myself to be self-compassionate. Though that is something I have been training myself to do - when I remember. It was a spontaneous response to the upset. Something different had replaced that old, harsh script: "stupid idiot!" 

Like many people, I have had a habit of 'beating myself up'. Consider for a moment what a violent act it is to beat someone up. Strange indeed, to do that to oneself, even with words. When I was younger, that inner harshness was nastier. "You're pathetic. Useless." Over years of training in mindfulness and compassion, the inner critic has mellowed. But harsh self-talk can still pop up in moments of stress. But now, unprompted, a different voice had arisen. Wow. This was a friendlier inner world to be living in! 

The tension soon drained out of my body. I was happy twice over. First, I no longer felt stressed. Second, I saw that something inside me had transformed for the better. For a year or so, I'd had a particular focus on self-compassion. Now, a step-change was revealing how the practice was bearing fruit.

It is not hard to notice immediate benefits of mindfulness and compassion practice. At the end of a period of meditation, we may be more settled, or more aware of our feelings. Sometimes there is a quality of letting go: in the body; or even in our fixed beliefs. But every so often, we notice the longer-term results of these practices. It may be subtle. A little more acceptance. Being less judging, to others as well as oneself. Less worried about 'getting things wrong'. Change on deeper levels happens bit by bit and we do not always recognise how far we have come.

There is a story of a stonecutter who hits the stone 19 times, but nothing appears to happen. Then, on the 20th blow, the stone breaks open. It's a tale about perseverance and the fact that progress is not always visible. Those 19 blows did have an impact. Sometimes we need to keep going, even when we don't feel that anything is happening. But our positive efforts are never lost. They accumulate, like drops filling a bucket of water. Personal change is not down to luck. The metaphor of the stonecutter calls to mind the value of repeated, steady practice.

Some days, there are no obvious benefits to the practice of mindfulness or compassion. One may just be restless and distracted. But keeping going builds steadiness, patience and trust. And every so often there is a visible blossoming. Something to savour, and celebrate.

"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th". Julie Andrews