Expectations! How we create our own world - and add extra suffering

It was a battle to compete with the wall of sound, and we were the losers. It wasn't what I'd expected! The lack of response stung. Looking back, I saw that my expectations of the occasion had been unrealistic. In fact, they were the main cause of the hurt I felt.

In my mind's eye, the party guests were going to pause their conversations and gather around. As we donned our guitars, a respectful hush would fall. Everyone would be keen to hear the three songs my friend and I had been rehearsing for several weeks.

My birthday party was now in full swing and a hubbub of voices filled the crowded rooms. I sensed that it wasn't the ideal time for our party-piece. I should have listened to that little voice! But my friend could not stay for the whole evening and we decided to go for it. When I announced that we were about to play, three or four people settled in front of us to listen. But everyone else continued with their animated conversations. It was a battle to compete with the wall of sound, and we were the losers. It wasn't what I'd expected! The lack of response stung. Looking back, I saw that my expectations of the occasion had been unrealistic. In fact, they were the main cause of the hurt I felt. If I had expected the conversations to continue, I would have acted differently. I would not have set myself up for that crushing disappointment.

That we are able to build expectations in our minds is a wonderful thing. Without them we would not find our way in the world. They are predictions we make about what may happen. We base our predictions on what has happened in the past, and this, then, colours what we come to expect for the future. They help us to be better prepared for difficulties that may arise.

Our expectations guide our direction in life. They embody our hopes and fears; our drives. "I will do this rather than that because this will be better - I expect". "I will go with this person rather than that one because they seem more friendly - and I expect that to continue". In a very real way, the world we find ourselves in is one that we have created. At the same time, there is a real world we have not created. How this world fits with our own mental creations can be the cause of much happiness or disappointment. I went to a party in a world where I expected an audience of people delighting in my music. What I found was a world where most of the people ignored me.

Expectations are often not conscious. They are formed and re-formed by our own previous experiences. By the culture that surrounds us. The commercial nature of our world provides a background to our beliefs of how our lives should be. When we don't match that, disappointment hits. We fail to see that this is part of a world of expectation we have ourselves created. Or at least, that we have bought into. When we recognise that the new, updated, fantastic! (as in fantasy) whatever-it-is-we-want will not give us what we seek, we may feel a little freer. A guaranteed way to suffer less is to be less attached to what we think ‘should’ happen.

Expectations are often not fulfilled. They can have a profound impact within families. The expectations our parents have for us can create conflict over many years. And, as we grow up, our expectations of them may disappoint as they turn out to be more flawed than we had thought. Over time, we may recognise that these are expectations we have created. We may start to see our parents as individuals: imperfect, as everyone is. That they are as subject to the conditions in their lives as we are in ours. Sometimes, we may find the relief that comes when we let go of the blame that arises from disappointment. I recently found that I had forgiven my father for his part in the breakup of our family. He had not acted as I expected he should. But in what world does everything unfold according to my personal ideas of how things should be?

How can mindfulness help ease the pain of unrealistic and disappointing expectations? A key aspect of mindfulness practice is that we get to know our own inner landscape. The simple act of being still and quiet for a while is the gateway. We are able to notice our emotions and thought processes without being drawn into them. Feelings soften and new thoughts arise. We will not stop having expectations. They still arise outside consciousness and often continue to be unfulfilled. But we will be more able to know what is happening. To sit back from the desire to buy a new thing. To be willing to live with a parent or child who does not meet our expectations. To find some forgiveness for the imperfection of others – and ourselves.

Practice: Within this quieter mental space, you may explore. Our ability to self-reflect on troubles in our life is one of the most valuable aspects of being mindful. Find a quiet space, at home or outside, and be alone. Have in mind a difficult situation that is somewhat painful and alive for you at the time. Quieten your mind to some extent but still feel the pain of the situation. Be willing to allow any thoughts and feelings that arise. Notice them. Be calm but also let any tears flow. Over time, you may notice shifts in how you feel and new thoughts may arise. Let them arise. Stay with the process as long as feels appropriate. You may see a glimpse how expectations you have set up have created this world you live in. And of the possibility of letting go. A glimpse of the freedom that comes when we accept the many things we cannot change.