Staying Alive

I began to understand that I do not have to justify my existence.

This has been liberating. But there was a downside.

A default 'no' can become as much of a habit as an automatic 'yes' once was.

I'm pondering how to live a fulfilled and happy life as I age. 

With others, I have been witnessing a national treasure celebrate his centenary. David Attenborough is exceptional. His capacity to educate and delight; his untiring advocacy for the non-human world. How people trust him, at a time when trust in public figures is low. (There was a time when activists were critical, saying he should be more hard-hitting about our environmental impact. He listened and became more outspoken.)

He is unusual in another, obvious way. The guy is one-hundred years old! Yet he remains active, working, and involved in public life. How does he maintain the necessary vitality? A huge factor must be his sense of purpose and love for his work. He understands his exceptional position. People listen to him. And he has important things to say. He knows he makes a difference and looks like he's enjoying life as much as ever. He's a remarkable role model for what's possible in old age. At 65, I'm a spring chicken in comparison! As I progress into older age, can I learn from his example?

Health is a major factor in later years. From 2022, a period of long Covid was a challenging time. Having little energy, I could spiral into a bleak, deadened mood. With chronic fatigue, pacing yourself is essential. But I'd absorbed my father's protestant work ethic and felt a nagging need to be useful. Now more than ever, I had to learn to let go and be okay with being unproductive. To say 'no' without feeling guilty. I learned to say 'no' to things I would once have enjoyed, but would now find exhausting. This was hard to accept. But it also gave me the perfect excuse to decline things I didn't want to do. As a people-pleaser, I was reminded how freeing it can be to turn down things that had once felt obligatory. I began to see more deeply that I do not have to justify my existence. This was liberating: a silver lining amid the dark clouds.

I am a lot better now, though my energy levels have never completely recovered. In two years, I'll have a state pension. Time to start winding down and clocking out? 

Umm, nope.

I began to detect a downside, alongside that new sense of freedom. A default 'no' can become as much of a pattern as an automatic 'yes' once was. It's a habit of fearing that things will be too tiring: an assumption that may be untrue. It is all too easy to go along with this fear. To acclimatise to a reduced sense of being alive.

Along with mindfulness, I regularly practice Loving Kindness meditation. The guidance is to start by generating goodwill towards oneself. A key question is, "What do I need right now? What would be a kind wish for myself?".  A few days ago, inspired by Attenborough, the wish arose: "May I live life to the full". This was in the right ballpark. But on reflection, it was too abstract: a vague idea to be actioned later. The wish morphed into, "May I be fully alive in this moment, now". But that was still not specific enough. The latest iteration is, "May I live from love, not fear." There is, of course a gap between this aspiration and reality! But that is the point of an aspiration. 

I am fortunate. I love my teaching work. I almost always feel better by the end of one of my sessions than when I began. How wonderful! And I know I have something to offer my friends, family and the Buddhist community I'm part of. As well as teaching, I'm a trustee and, at times, a mentor.

I am experimenting with saying 'yes' more frequently. Not from social obligation or an insecure need to prove my value. But following what I genuinely care about; what engages my heart and soul. I still need to watch out for that old work ethic creeping in. The underlying motivation matters, not least because it’s the difference between an activity being energising or energy-sapping.

I am not Sir David! Yet as I age, I hope to keep doing what I love and having a positive impact, however small. For my own happiness, as much as for others' sake.