Can I Feel Safe in an Uncertain World?

The nervous system does not differentiate 'social' threat from bodily threat.

We all meet risk in our lives. Even if we do not practice extreme sports or live in a war zone, we still have to negotiate busy roads. Yet, for most of us, times when we are at physical risk are few.

More often it is not a physical threat but everyday interactions that seem to present danger. Here, the sense of threat arises in relation not to the body, but to one's idea of oneself. Most of us like to be seen in a positive light, even though what we regard as 'positive' may vary. So, implied criticism may provoke fight, flight or freeze reactions, as we perceive that we are under attack. The nervous system does not differentiate 'social' threat from bodily threat. The same stress reactions ensue. We may ramp up a quarrel: "how dare you criticise me!". Even if we don't express defensiveness out loud, it may still dominate our mood. Or we may avoid the offending person or comment and try to distract ourselves from any unpleasant feelings. We may freeze - rabbit-in-the-headlights - unsure of how to respond.

There is a range of attitudes we can have to everyday difficulties. We may spiral into “this shouldn’t be happening! Why me? It’s not fair!”. Or we might ponder "that’s life", deal with the misfortune as best we can, and move on. But what is important is that our responses shape how we experience the world, moment by moment. We see things through the lens of our own beliefs and emotions. The more we feed our fears, the more scary and threatening the world looks. In a happier state of mind, the world can seem like a playground in which to enjoy the day. In the words of the French writer Anias Nin, “We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

When feeling safe, I am relaxed and open with other people. I can enjoy the simple pleasures of life: a conversation with a friend or settling down with a book. I can be funny, appreciative, and open-hearted. Things become less personal.

When I do not feel safe, my muscles tighten and I can be fizzing with stress hormones. I fear judgement from those around me. I worry what they might want from me; that I may not be equal to what they expect. I am ready to be defensive. At its most pronounced, the difference between feeling unsafe or safe is like night and day. The more unsafe, the more the world looks hostile. The more safe and secure, the more possibilities for creativity and joy open up.

Does this mean that we should, somehow, aim to feel safe all the time? If we can choose situations that allow us to feel safe, this can be a wise move. So long as we don't hide within our comfort zone. Human beings thrive when there is some degree of challenge, so long as that is not overwhelming. Sometimes, it is best to acknowledge our vulnerability, yet rise to meet our fears as best we can.

And we are all vulnerable - we inhabit an uncertain world. We are all subject to loss; to things going wrong. Neither we nor our loved ones are immortal. The path to greater contentment is not through avoidance of difficulty. In fact, a clearer awareness of our insecurity can help us to feel more safe. This may seem counter-intuitive. Yet, when we acknowledge the fear, we will find ourselves in touch with how things are in reality. This reduces the dissonance that occurs when we believe that our immediate experience should be other than it is. We can learn to feel a little more 'safe to feel unsafe'.

Mindfulness practice encourages us to allow the full range of our feelings. Even to welcome them. We can never be at peace so long as we are trying to remove the aspects of experience that we don't want. This is an impossible and endless task! And when we respond with compassion to difficulty - whether one's own or another's - we enable our fears to move on. We cultivate greater confidence that we can handle whatever life throws at us.